You knew the relationship was toxic. You did your best to set boundaries, to express your feelings, to take care of yourself. Still, the relationship did not improve and you found the strength, determination, and courage to end it.

You had expected to feel so much better, but, in fact, you are not feeling better at all. You are feeling sad and lonely and wondering why.

The fact is, sometimes we grieve people who are bad for us. Here are three of the reasons that we grieve the loss of a bad relationship:

We grieve what might have been. Most of us carry an image of the ideal relationship in our minds – whether the relationship is with a loved one, spouse, friend, sibling or parent. We imagine supportive and fulfilling relationships When we finally sever ties with someone, our hope for the ideal has ended.

We grieve what we loved. Human beings are complex. Even in a bad relationship, we experience happy times. We find something to love about each person who is important to us. Once the relationship is over, we may find our thoughts returning to the good times … the joyful moments. Our memories might trick us into thinking, “Was it really all that bad?”

We grieve the space in our lives. Every relationship – good or bad – fills a space in our lives. When the relationship ends, the space is empty. Empty spaces are painful and we face the danger of filling those spaces too quickly. Sometimes we even refill the space by returning to the bad relationship.

Grieving a bad relationship, like grieving any loss, takes time. Give yourself the time you need, but don't get stuck. Avoid criticizing yourself for missing someone who wasn't good to you. Judging yourself and your emotions will only make you feel worse. Be gentle with yourself; accept that you feel sad and realize that the feeling is temporary.

If you are grieving the end of a relationship, contact us. We will help you move through the stages of loneliness, guilt, acceptance, and renewal.

{photo via unsplash}