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16170 Jones Maltsberger Rd Suite 110
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What Is Your Most Common Style Of Communication

January 31, 2017 Tiffany Frias

We all communicate with one another in different ways and, depending on our mood and the person with whom we are communicating, our behavior can vary widely without our even realizing it. Understanding what the four types of behavioral communication are, and recognizing them in yourself and others, can help you handle challenging conversations with more insight and intention.

Characteristics of the Four Types of Behavioral Communication

There are four types of behavioral communication: passive, passive-aggressive, assertive, and aggressive. You may already be familiar with some of these labels, and you may have even been called one of them by another person before, but it's important to take a close look at the psychology behind what behavioral communication means in order to understand these four different styles and how it affects your life when you engage in them.

Behavioral communication typically refers to any type of indirect expression to convey a person's message-- whether it is body language, vague or misleading speech, or other indirect actions that avoid directly addressing something with another person. As you read through the different types, you will probably quickly see which ones you are most likely to adopt in social situations.

  • Passive.

Passive communicators avoid directly speaking their mind when they feel it may upset the other person, even at the expense of their own happiness. They may suffer from low-self esteem or feel intimidated around a particular person and their body language may show signs of insecurity such as little eye contact or poor posture. They may speak softly and apologize frequently and do whatever they can to keep the peace even if it means that they are being wronged in some way.

A person who engages in passive behavior lets their rights and emotional boundaries be neglected or infringed upon and it can lead to feelings of anxiety and depression. They may eventually feel fed up with being pushed around and have an outburst of aggressive behavior, after which they may feel ashamed and revert back to being passive.

  • Passive-aggressive.

A person who is behaving passive-aggressively is sometimes hard to spot initially. While they may seem as if they are being kind, their underlying intention is to say or do something that is hurtful or insulting. A passive-aggressive person does not want to engage in a direct argument and so they mask their dissatisfaction and anger in weak or confusing language to avoid conflict while still trying to get their point across. They may feel helpless and resentful in their situation and unable to acknowledge their anger directly and so they may resort to negative or uncooperative behavior.

Passive-aggressive behavior can cause self-destructive tendencies by alienating the individual and exacerbating uncomfortable situations instead of resolving them. People with these tendencies may seem inconsistent by acting excessively friendly while also being subtly sarcastic or insulting, leaving others feelings confused and often hurt.

  • Assertive.

When a person uses assertive communication, they speak their mind clearly, tactfully, and with consideration for another person's feelings without compromising their own. They have positive body language with a relaxed posture and eye contact, and do not make the other person feel threatened by their movements or words. An assertive person will address an issue head-on and express their feelings with the intent to reach a resolution. They will treat others with respect and listen to their needs in turn.

Assertive people feel in control of their own emotions and know that direct communication is necessary in order to resolve interpersonal issues and move forward. Practicing assertive behavior alleviates the prolonged feelings of anxiety or frustration one might experience by engaging in the other forms of communication which usually conceal feelings of hopelessness or powerlessness. The assertive individual takes responsibility for their own emotions and cares enough about the feelings of others to stand up for themselves in a way that is not hurtful.

  • Aggressive.

The aggressive individual is easily frustrated with others and uses forceful or violent body language. They are prone to angry outbursts and may be physically or verbally abusive. They have trouble controlling their temper and will criticize, blame, or humiliate others as a means of exercising control. They will yell, make threats, and not listen to another person's point of view or react impulsively without giving consideration to what the other person is saying.

An aggressive person alienates themselves and may trigger counter-aggression from others. They may violate the rights of others through their behavior and possess a feeling of superiority. If their behavior is chronic, it may affect their ability to maintain friendships and positive working relationships.

We Are All a Little of Each Type

While these communication types might conjure a caricature of a person who is always aggressive towards others or always passive, the truth is that everyone uses all four of these forms of communication, often depending on the person and the context. For instance, you might be aggressive towards a cashier at the store who gives you the incorrect change; passive-aggressive with a roommate who leaves dirty dishes piled up; passive with your supervisor at work when you need to ask for time off; and assertive with a close friend asking for advice.

Communicating assertively is what we strive towards, but our emotions often take a front seat and the next thing we know, we've shouted at our partner over something trivial or let ourselves get taken advantage of when we should have stood up for ourselves. It's important to acknowledge when we are being aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive with others and vice versa so that we can check ourselves and switch gears. Practicing assertive behavior is associated with lower stress levels and improved coping skills and learning how to exercise this form of communication will help you regain a feeling of control over your life and your emotions, particularly if you struggle with anxiety, depression, or anger. You will garner respect from others because you are showing respect towards them while not compromising your own rights.

Practicing Assertion Through Pausing

If you want to learn how to recognize your behavior and that of others in different situations, there is an easy way to begin. The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön often speaks about the importance of pausing whenever you feel "hooked" by a feeling, known in Buddhist philosophy as shenpa. Pause before you speak. Pause before you react. Pause before you do anything in response. That empty silence may be enough to let you take a deep breath and exhale some of your emotions, whether it is fear, anger, or frustration. The pause will give you a moment to muster your courage and speak up for yourself clearly, calmly, and without malice towards the other person. Try it the next time someone gets on your nerves or the next time you need to speak your mind about something to a person who brings out your passive side. It only takes a moment to pause, breathe, and recenter yourself. If the other person is being aggressive or passive-aggressive towards you, this gives you an opportunity to prevent yourself from mirroring their behavior or backing down. The more you practice pausing and then asserting yourself, the more confident you will become in your ability to handle social situations with any type of personality both gracefully and confidently. If you'd like to learn about how assertive behavior can empower you, contact Blackbird Counseling and Wellness for more information.

{photo via unsplash}

In Empowerment Tags communication, passive aggressive communication, passive communication, aggressive communication, assertive communication
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